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Let's be real: At a certain point in many relationships, the daily sex drops off. So are you having enough sex in your long-term relationship? That depends, says Laurie Watsona d couple's therapist and certified sex therapist and author of Wanting Sex Again. One thing is for sure: Most couples can't maintain the breakneck sex pace that often happens in the beginning of a relationshipand that is totally OK.
It's to be expected, and it's even a good thing — it means that we are going back to ourselves, spending more time with friends, and doing all of the things that are harder to do in the first whirlwind six-or-so months of a new love. Thing is, committed lovers wind up having more sex on the whole, says Watson, who writes for Psychology Today's Married and Still Doing It blog.
The therapist, who has been married for almost 30 years, says research points to the fact that people in LTRs wind up having more sex in any given year, because they stay the course. If you feel like your single friends have more sex, the law of averages will come around to high-five you in the end, because even dry spells usually turn themselves around.
On that note, here are 10 things to know about sex in an LTR. Scheduling a girlbrunch, having a night off to read a book in bed, taking yourself to the movies and masturdating — these are all important and necessary self-care activities, and your relationship and self-esteem will only be stronger as a result. Less sex after the initial manic infatuation wears off and is replaced by a steadier and more grounded love is a good thing. It doesn't mean that a relationship is "failing," says Watson. On the contrary, less sex than at the outset is likely a of a healthy LTR — as long as you're still having sex, that is, which le me to.
Most of us aren't champing at the bit for sex at all times. We all feel tired, bummed out, or just plain not sexy now and again. And although that is totally OK, there are also times when a little sex might be just what the doctor ordered, even if you think you're not in the mood. That said, "after being stimulated, desire kicks in," says Watson. In other words, if you wait until you're dying to have sex, you might be waiting too long.
Though no one should ever feel obligated to have sex, there's something to be said for making like Nike and just doing it. There's a good chance you'll be glad you did. But "on balance, people in LTRs have more sex. Like everything else in a healthy relationship, mind-blowing sex is contingent on its own.
Moreover, an active and fulfilling sex life doesn't usually happen without strong communication. But in reality, everyone has sexual problems at one phase or another, most commonly at the beginning. It'll give them the courage to bring up their needs and desires as well. Sex begets sex. Speaking generally, two orgasms per week result in an "increase of desire" for women, says Watson, producing a higher sex drive overall.
If you're with a man, two orgasms per week lead "men to feel less anxious sexually," she says, though the same could also definitely be said for women. On the flip side, no sex engenders no sex: A low libido can be a side effect of being out of the habit.
To combat both, she prescribes more sex. Plus, "her partner is often in a better mood, less apt to be cranky for lack of sex.
If you're with someone who has a high sex drive, "a steady supply of sex, while it may not match their ideal frequency, means they can relax and not have to 'overask'" for sex, says Watson. As time goes on, "a confidence grows between them," says Watson, "giving each the reassurance that their mutual experience will make it satisfying for both.
Whether you've been with someone for a couple of years or a couple of decades, by now your partner should know your body up and down. As such, "a woman has a much better chance of having a satisfying experience," Watson says. Only with a great deal of repetitive practice is it possible to know what [a woman] likes — how much, how hard, how fast.
Though the sex may be super caliente at the dawn of a relationship, there's a better chance of orgasm later on. If this isn't the case, don't be shy to introduce sex toys or try out some fantasies with your partner. These "don't that indicate sex or the relationship is over. Be patient with your partner in times of flux, and trust that the sex will pick back up when life calms down. Don't expect everything to be exactly the same in bed forever — desires change, as do bodies.
If you're in it for the long haul, keep in mind that "bodies age and bring sexual changes that are inevitable. If we believe eroticism lies in a youthful, beautiful body, we will be disappointed.
In a long-term relationship, "sex is the glue that keeps us together and the spice that makes our t life exciting," says Watson. Contrary to popular belief, scheduling sex just makes us want it more — and makes it hotter. This le to allotting "lots of time for togetherness," she says.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Waywhich delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud. By Bibi Deitz. Less Sex Is OK.Ltr with no sex
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Here’s Why Less Sex In Your LTR Can Actually Be A Of Your Love Getting Even Deeper